You probably know couples who were mentally and emotionally divorced long before they actually filed the paperwork. When asked why they stayed together for so long, the answer is sometimes, “we did it for the sake of the kids”. The reasoning is stated with good intentions: “we wanted them to be able to stay in the same school”; “we couldn’t afford two homes”; “we didn’t want them to keep going back and forth between houses and friends”. Sometimes people don’t even recognize what happened to the marriage until it’s now an empty nest and they turn to see their partner, feeling only the emptiness of the house rather than the joy of being alone with each other for the first time in years. I have heard stories from couples who grew up in troubled houses or in financial insecurities as kids themselves and swore their kids would never experience that life, and so they devote their lives to ensuring their children have every opportunity they didn’t have as kids.
In each of these cases, there can be something deeper going on that affects our wellness: setting up of an idol, pushing God aside to do what “we” feel is best. “How is wanting the best for my kids growing up…or wanting the best for my kids while my spouse and I move towards divorce wrong? I love my kids and will do anything for them”. On its own, there is nothing wrong with wanting the best for our kids. But that desire to make their lives better than our childhood or that desire to avoid what’s happening in the marriage “for the sake of the kids” can establish our kids as an idol that we “worship” instead of God.
All idols demand a sacrifice. When we put our kids ahead of our spouse, that sacrifice of time, or money, or always being one that makes it to the events while the other is never there, creates a demand on the other spouse. When they fail to meet that demand, we realize our unmet expectations, which builds frustration against them, which leads to judging their commitment to the family, punishes them with a lack of time or intimacy or any number of things, and eventually ends in divorce.
But there is another way. Through reconciliation, we can learn to see the “log in our own eye”, discover the idol (any idol) that replaced God, repent before God, seek forgiveness from our spouse (or even our kids), and let Jesus destroy that idol on the Cross. Reconciliation can help refocus our priority on God, His provision for our lives, His involvement in the marriage relationship, and supply a peace in our hearts that surpasses all understanding.
Now, that doesn’t mean marriages are suddenly easy, that raising children is without its share of frustrations, and that we will never replace God with an idol of our heart again. But using the tools of reconciliation can build a culture of confession and forgiveness inside the home that restores your family wellness. It can demonstrate Christian love that your kids will model in their relationships. And so, for the sake of the kids, let’s start advising people to seek reconciliation in their relationships instead of jumping to divorce. It is a legacy that will outlive your parenting and your kids will remember.
Rev Alan Shaw is an Assistant Pastor at Resurrection Lutheran Church in Cary, NC. He is a retired Army officer and serves as a resource for the SED and LCMS with Christian Conciliation training, workshops, and reconciliation cases. He can be reached at alan.shaw@rlcary.org for questions about Christian Conciliation.
