Conversations in Congregations
By: Chris Wethman, Operational Assistant for Wellness & Coaching
“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” -Ephesians 4:29
In his letter to the Ephesians, Paul conveys the profound connection between communication, relationships, and spiritual unity within Christian communities. Let take a look at these concepts and their implications.
Ephesians 4:29 establishes a foundational principle for Christian communication: our words should build others up rather than tear them down. This verse doesn’t merely suggest better communication techniques but points to a deeper spiritual purpose behind our speech—to benefit listeners and convey God’s love and grace to all people.
Paul’s guidance in Ephesians 4-6 identifies three interconnected aspects of human relationship:
- Anger management– While anger itself is a natural emotion, Paul warns that unresolved or mishandled anger creates opportunities for division and spiritual vulnerability.
- Purposeful work– Work isn’t just about self-provision but creates capacity to share with others, establishing a foundation for generosity and interdependence.
- Edifying speech– Our words carry tremendous power to either nurture or damage relationships within the community.
In her book “Conversational Intelligence” Judith Glaser’s framework provides a modern psychological perspective that aligns remarkably well with Paul’s ancient wisdom. When she describes conversations as “dynamic, interactive, and inclusive,” she recognizes that communication isn’t simply information transfer—it’s relationship formation.
Her Level III interactions represent transformative conversations that can remove divisive patterns and build unity. They can cultivate a loving and compassionate community of faith where human relationships are highly valued.
What’s particularly fascinating is how these communication patterns don’t just improve social dynamics—they actually affect our neurochemistry. Positive, affirming conversations trigger different brain responses than critical or divisive ones, creating physiological changes that either strengthen or weaken community bonds.
For congregations, this means that communication isn’t just a practical matter but a deeply spiritual practice. When Paul urges the Ephesians to speak words that “build others up according to their needs,” he’s advocating for these transformative conversation types that Glaser would identify centuries later.
The ultimate goal is a unified community that reflects God’s nature—where conversations become vehicles not merely for information sharing but for genuine connection, mutual understanding, shared purpose and building up the body of Christ.
Chapters 4-6 of Ephesians offer moral and ethical guidance on how Christians should live. The verses within these chapters outline qualities and virtues that serve to maintain the unity within the church acting as the glue that holds the body of Christ together. In verses 26-29, Paul addresses three key areas that can build up or tear down genuine relationships within a Congregation: anger, work, and speech.
- Anger – a natural human emotion that gives a foothold to the devil
- Work – to have something to share with those in need
- Speech – to build others up, conveying grace to whose who hear
In her book, “Conversational Intelligence,” the author (Judith Glaser) asserts that conversations are “dynamic, interactive, and inclusive.” It is through conversations that we connect and communicate. In the Christian community we move toward unity, grounded in the nature of God, through conversations marked by positive speech.
Conversations in congregations should be marked by words that lift up and not tear down; include and not exclude; buoy the heart and not bury the soul. According to Glaser, certain types of conversations have a positive effect on our brains and are more likely to connect and engage, becoming vehicles for unity and transformation. She calls them Level III interactions:
- Co-creating conversations. Foster conversations – share and discover so people can understand how they can participate in creating a thriving Congregation. (Move from exclusion to )
- Humanizing conversations. Help people learn how to express what they are feeling. (Move from judging to )
- Aspiring conversations. Help people expand and embrace exciting and challenging possibilities. (Move from limiting to )
- Navigating conversations. Share information, exchange best practices, reduce the need to protect turf. (Move from withholding to )
- Generating Conversations. Focus on innovative, creative, experimental, and generative ways of leading. (Move from having all the answers to discovering the new.)
- Expressing Conversations. Teach people how to speak up, express their voice, and develop their ideas to contribute to the life of the Congregation. (Moving from dictating to )
- Synchronizing Conversations. Helping people shift from a singular focus to seeking a higher mission or purpose. (Moving from compliance to )
Conversations are the golden threads – sometimes fragile ones – that keep us connected to each other. They are filled with words
This talk about the importance of words is critical in the era in which we live. Words come at us from all directions: from the pulpit, from people we love, television, the internet and printed material. One of the cautions that we’re faced with is to choose carefully not only the words we speak, but also the words to which we listen and from which we derive our greatest truths. Is the person speaking them trustworthy? Does that individual, in fact, have our best intentions at heart? Or are they speaking from a darker, more manipulative place? Are they seeking to build up or tear down? Do their words ring true, or are they raising caution flags? So many words, and so many voices speaking.
In the end, our greatest hope is to listen carefully to that one voice that cannot fail us. And that voice comes from our Savior, Jesus. The Gospel of John begins: “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God and the Word was God.” One of the names by which our Savior is known is the Logos. The Word of God. The life-giving and redemptive word of Truth. By listening to our Savior, by speaking words of grace and hope and by living a life that models these same words, we can become co-creators with the Divine, helping to make a world which truly embodies the Kingdom of God. In Jesus’ name. Amen.