The Story We Tell Ourselves
Congregational Wellness
By Alan Shaw
After writing last month’s wellness article, I started thinking about how congregations can be drawn into conflict with similar “wait…what?” moments. For example: something happens in the church, we fill in the gaps of what we don’t know with what we think happened, but we’re often drawing the wrong conclusions. Congregations are not unlike your home family system, and relationships – at church and at home – can become strained, leading to conflict.
Tell me if this sounds familiar: 1) You have a core group of volunteers who are asked to participate in multiple committees or event planning teams year after year. Some work behind the scenes cleaning the church, setting up the altar before and after communion, or setting up chairs and tables in the fellowship hall for events. After time, they feel unappreciated and become increasingly frustrated when asked to support another event. Instead of saying “no” or asking for someone else to take over, they vent on their spouse/family/friends who also begin to feel frustrated at church leaders; 2) A group of long-standing members/families have been leaders in the church for years. As time goes by, new families join the church and bring ideas with them, but these new ideas are not “the way we’ve always done it”. Instead of having a conversation, they block efforts of change, the new families become frustrated – some leave the church – and the congregation divides about the way ahead; 3) Someone from the church leadership disagrees with how the mission of the church is being planned for the next budget year. They feel their ideas are not being taken seriously so they embark on a series of “parking lot meetings” after church on Sunday. A flood of rumors spread around the congregation and the congregational voter’s meeting chaotic, at best.
These are just a few examples of church conflict. It can erode trust and church unity, especially in smaller congregations, if it’s not addressed. Some think “if we ignore it, it will go away” or “we can resolve this ourselves”. I spoke to one Christian Conciliator (outside the SED) who said his church was experiencing conflict and was going to bring in outside reconcilers, despite having 5 trained reconcilers inside the congregation. Some level of conflict in the church is healthy. Differences in opinion can spark great ideas, but when that conflict is fueled with gossip, misunderstandings, and unmet expectations, divisions may grow out of control and require the help of a trained reconciler.
And there is good news: your Southeastern District has trained reconcilers that can help. If you are experiencing conflict in your congregation (or in your marriage/family) and think an outside set of eyes and ears would be helpful, consider reaching out and starting a conversation with one of the SED reconcilers. It is a strength, not a weakness, to ask for assistance.
Rev Alan Shaw is an Assistant Pastor at Resurrection Lutheran Church in Cary, NC and a part-time Transitional Interim Minister at Peace Lutheran Church in Goldsboro, NC. He is a retired Army officer and serves as a resource for the SED and LCMS with Christian Conciliation training, workshops, and reconciliation cases. He can be reached at alan@restoringharmonyllc.com.