Walking Alongside: The Work of SED Reconcilers

He was the senior pastor of a large and growing church. She was the loving wife who supported him and his ideas for ministry. As the church grew, so did the affirmations — from staff, from members, from every corner of his world. His responsibilities expanded. His ministry consumed more and more of his time. And quietly, his wife and children became a lower priority than the church he was building.

Eventually, the environment he had cultivated — one where he felt he could do no wrong — began to show in how he treated the people closest to him. He became verbally and emotionally abusive, lashing out at anyone who challenged his authority, especially his family. His wife reached her limit. She drafted separation and divorce paperwork and handed it to him. His first response, he later admitted, was concern about what his church and his friends would think.

A therapist encouraged her to write out her story — to document everything that had happened and how it had affected her — as a way to begin healing. Rumors spread. Church leadership got involved. A copy of her story made its way to her husband through a board member she had trusted. He saw it as a betrayal. The board recommended reconciliation. He was skeptical. But staring at divorce paperwork and facing the potential loss of his church, he decided to give it one more chance.

That was my first case.

The Moment That Changed Everything

I was primarily there to capture notes for the lead reconciler. The expertise needed was well beyond what I could offer at the time. The couple had listed 148 issues that needed to be worked through — a daunting task by any measure.

But I will never forget the moment that changed the trajectory of those meetings. After a couple of hours, the lead reconciler turned to Scripture. I don’t remember which verse it was now, but I remember what happened next. He began to see it clearly for the first time: his ministry had become an idol. He had placed it above his trust in God and above his wife and children. When the idol was named, the need for confession became real. And when confession came, so did grace.

In that moment, a weight lifted. He viewed the entire process differently. His wife later confessed things she had done as well, and received his forgiveness in return.

I do not want to make the process seem overly simple. Those 36 hours of meetings together did not include the many additional hours of individual coaching in preparation. It was hard, sustained work. But the moment that changed the trajectory was not anything I did. It was not a question the lead reconciler asked. It was not a teaching module or a newly surfaced issue. It was God’s Word, exposing a heart with a hidden idol, and leading this pastor — and this husband — back to the cross to ask forgiveness.

The Four R’s

In reconciliation work, I often refer to four R’s: Repentance, Reconciliation, Restoration, and Reinstatement.

I tell married couples during the intake meeting: “I am not here to save a marriage. I am here for reconciliation. But it is my prayer that with reconciliation, we can also save a marriage.”

When this couple repented, forgiveness and grace led to reconciliation. That reconciliation started a longer process of restoring the relationship. They spent another year working through all the issues and rebuilding trust. In this case, reinstatement — the full restoration of the relationship — eventually took place.

That is not always the outcome. Sometimes the consequences of sin are too great, and reinstatement does not happen. But reconciliation is always possible, and the process itself is always worth pursuing.

An Invitation

The SED has trained reconcilers ready to walk alongside you. If you or someone you know are working through conflict with a spouse or family member, I encourage you to seek out one of the SED reconcilers, or visit Ambassadors of Reconciliation at aorhope.org to find another trained reconciler who will walk alongside you on this journey.

You can learn more about AoR and their network of reconcilers at aorhope.org. If you would like to connect with me directly, you can find my reconcile profile here AoR Reconciler Profile | Alan Shaw

Reconciliation is a process. But the outcomes can be worth the effort.